Corinne and her husband, Roger, came to me for counseling not too long ago. Roger told me that Corinne just didn’t understand him. He had told her many times he only required 2 things for him to be happy in their marriage: The first one was that he didn’t like to argue with her, and the second was that he wanted to have more sex. Those things, to him, were simple enough -- and no different from what other men require of their wives.
Corinne felt hurt and offended because all Roger cared about was for his needs to be met. "What about my needs?" she lamented. For years, she felt shortchanged by Roger's seeming lack of concern for her -- and whenever she talked to him about it, he refused to discuss it. That made Corinne feel even more lonely and alienated.
When I first told Corinne about the power a wife can wield by first creating emotionally dependency in her husband before requesting something of him, she was appalled by the suggestion. The very idea seemed manipulative and childish to her. That was until I pointed out that her husband actually WANTED to be emotionally dependent on her.
She followed my advice and stopped arguing with Roger, which was hard for her in the beginning, but she quickly got the hang of it. It wasn't until she stopped arguing with him that she realized that arguing was an exercise in futility -- and that there was a more effective strategy to get what she wanted. A strategy that did not involve nagging, coercion, crying or begging. Additionally, Corinne finally realized what I had been telling her all along -- that a husband's need for sex goes beyond just physical gratification, and that sex actually meant something to Roger's soul and his wholeness. She never knew until then how much Roger depended on her to make him feel complete. When she got into the practice of rewarding his attentiveness with her approval, he began to count on her smile, her soft words and her responsiveness to his sexual advances.
As Roger's emotional dependence on Corinne grew, he became increasingly devoted and attentive to her needs -- and did everything in his power to make sure he did NOT offend his beloved wife in any way. He began to put Corinne on a virtual pedestal and practically worshipped the ground she walked on. After a couple of months, whenever Corinne as much as threw one disapproving glance in Roger's direction, he would cower and apologize immediately for whatever he said or did.
The last time I spoke to Corinne, her marriage to Roger had become the happy and fulfilling one she had envisioned for herself. Her last words to me were, "My only difficulty in my marriage now is not knowing what to do with all the newfound power I have over Roger!"
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